Dating

» wisc85 - Post-Break-Up Murkiness

I am, admittedly, an inexperienced dater with only one long-term relationship to speak of. I recently moved to a new place, and met a great guy the first week that I was in town (he works at the same place that I do). We hung out most of the first week I was in town, and went to a movie the next week...and got on wonderfully. Unlike my last relationship, I felt that he was the one falling head-over-heels for me, and that I was gradually catching up to him (I was a little hesitant...it'd only been six months since my first relationship had ended, and I'd been burned pretty badly...). But for two months it was great, he was very sweet (surprised me with flowers "just because"), very complimentary, and very open to including me in his future as far as I would let him. Early on, he made a point to tell me that he would never hurt me, never make me cry (when I expressed my reservations due to relationship #1). I quickly felt myself opening up, allowing my guard to fall.

However, just when I had started to fall, he started to keep me at arms length. We spent a Saturday doing different things (I went to a baseball game with a family member, his out-of-town friend was in town). On Sunday, he told me that that friend had offered him a job in his town (about 9 hours away). After that, things changed. When I finally brought it up, he said that he was trying to slow down, and didn't want to get to close if he might move away. He didn't want to break-up, but needed some space. I completely understood, but realized (after about a week of the space-giving) that I was quickly making myself insane, and saw that this relationship was headed in the same direction as the first. So we talked, and I told him that I - unfortunately - couldn't do this right now. My heart couldn't get shattered again, so I walked to keep it intact. It was the hardest break-up of my (very inexperienced) life, because we were both light-hearted and understanding about it, even though it needed to happen.

Now two weeks later, I have so few answers as to what changed. The idealistic part of me thinks that this is something that would be possible to revisit at a better time, but the realistic part of me says that if it was meant to be we could have (would have) worked through all this. I guess I just don't know where I should go from here. Since I initiated the break-up, is the ball in my court to ever revisit this? Or since he wanted the space, would that be his call to make? OR, since it was only a couple of months (albeit great ones), should I just be glad that we were both able to gracefully exit a relationship that wasn't going to work, and chalk it up to experience? (Sorry...this got a little long.)

-- posted by wisc85

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» Cherie Burbach - Post-Break-Up Murkiness

In response to Post-Break-Up Murkiness posted by wisc85:

Break ups, especially when you don't have a big falling out, are especially hard to get over. Why? Because (as you're finding out) you second guess yourself. Since you can't bring up the horrible things he did (as is usually in the case with a bad break up) all you can do is focus on what you did.

But you know what? You're doing a lot of "what ifs" along with second guessing yourself. And you don't need to do that. I think you handled this situation exactly as you should. (And it's not often that I say that.) First of all, know this: if it was meant to be, it would have been. So don't overthink the things you said or did thinking they might have changed the outcome.

Your reaction to wanting to take this relationship slowly (because you were hurt badly before) IS the exact right thing to do. You weren't being TOO cautious. If you were too cautious you wouldn't be dating at all. You dated a guy but took things slowly. You let him know what was up in your past so he understood. Well done!

Now you're asking yourself IF he had stayed in that town would things have worked out? That's a pointless question you realize. Because he chose to leave. He didn't leave BECAUSE of you - he left for his own reasons. So that should clue you in to whether he was the right guy for you.

I know it's hard because JUST WHEN you were finally starting to fall for him this thing with his job came along and things changed. But you know what? You did everything right. Sometimes relationships switch course suddenly. Look at it this way: you met a great guy who "eased" you back into the dating scene. Sure, you were cautious and you probably will be again, but because of this guy you will feel more confident trying again. You know now that every guy out there isn't like your ex. There are nice ones - you just have to look for them.

Now, to answer your questions:

QUESTION:
"Since I initiated the break-up, is the ball in my court to ever revisit this?"

ANSWER: I wouldn't "revisit" it as much as I'd simply keep in touch with him from time to time. And when I say "keep in touch," I mean call or email, but DO NOT let it stop you from seeing other people. Don't "wait around" for this guy, because the reality is that he lives nine hours away and you can't start up a relationship with that distance. If you want to talk to him from time to time, fine. But don't keep in touch with the intention of wanting to see him again because if that is meant to happen one day (big, huge IF here) then it simply will on its own. To sum it up: Don't revisit the idea of dating this guy.

QUESTION:
"Or since he wanted the space, would that be his call to make?"

ANSWER:
If this was a good situation in which to progress a relationship, it would be in either of your courts to make the move. But it's not a good situation in which to start up (or keep going) a new relationship that barely got off the ground. (And don't beat yourself up thinking that if you "let him in" faster things would be in a different place. They wouldn't.)

QUESTION:
"OR, since it was only a couple of months (albeit great ones), should I just be glad that we were both able to gracefully exit a relationship that wasn't going to work, and chalk it up to experience?"

ANSWER:
We have a winner! You hit the nail on the head with this question. You have been given a great gift here. You have a good memory of a nice relationship that ended relatively pleasantly. Since you admit that you're somewhat inexperienced, I can tell you that this isn't always the way it goes. Relationships (as you know from the first one) can end lousy. And will again. But you'll be okay because by handling this relationship smartly you know how to handle yourself. The right guy is just a matter of time. You'll know him when you see him, and you won't be left wondering.

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» wisc85 - Post-Break-Up Murkiness

In response to Post-Break-Up Murkiness posted by CherieBurbach:

Thanks so much...I appreciate the response! It was really good to get that all out and "on paper", rather than simply continuing to bounce it around in my head. And even better to have someone push me in the right direction. Thank you!

-- posted by wisc85

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» Cherie Burbach - Post-Break-Up Murkiness

In response to Post-Break-Up Murkiness posted by wisc85:

You are welcome! Good luck.

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