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» dynamite120 - how can I make things alright again?

Hi

Perhaps you can offer me some advice.

I have had a close friendship with a man for four years now. We hit it off instantly and I feel he is a "soulmate." I think he'd say the same about me. I love him very much. There is also a strong physical attraction between us. We've discussed it and he says "it can never work."

Last year, when I realised our relationship would not progress from friendship, I left the country for a year to shake off any romantic ideas I had about him and to concentrate on myself. My leaving hit him hard and he almost had a breakdown without me but yet did nothing to stay in touch with me while I was away and sometimes even ignored me when I mailed him to chat. I'm back now and although we still love each other as much as ever, we only meet up occasionally. I have made efforts to hang out with him but he always has an excuse to avoid meeting up or never stays very long. When I pointed out to him that his upset me, he admitted it was wrong but he still goes on dodging me. Now I rarely contact him because it feels to me like I'm compromising him and yet I know if I don't keep trying he will not contact me which would mean I'd never ever get to see him. I miss him.

All of this seems so unecessary because in my heart I know how deeply he loves me and I do him - in a way I've never experienced before. This "cat and mouse" stuff isn't my style though. If it was anyone else but him, I'd tell them to go jump in a lake. I would like things to go back to as they were before when we confided totally and exclusively in each other but it seems he won't let me get close again. I don't want to give up on this but I don't want to hurt either him or myself in the process of trying to save it. What do you think his problem is? What do you think is the best way for me to move forward with this?

Thanks for reading this.

Dynamite

-- posted by dynamite120

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» Cherie Burbach - how can I make things alright again?

In response to how can I make things alright again? posted by dynamite120:

You don't mention why your friend felt a relationship between the two of you "would not work." Is he IN another relationship already? Did he say why he feels this way? Some insight into his reasoning could help.

If he doesn't give you specifics, let me just say that I agree that traveling to another country was a good idea. You needed some physical space because you're obviously in a very confusing situation. However, you still continued to email him, so while you were away physically this man still took up your thoughts and thus, your emotions.

You say that your leaving "hit him hard," yet he never responded back to you when you'd try and contact him. Since he now makes up excuses not to see you I'd say he is either involved with someone else or a player. It also sounds as if the communication in this relationship is all being originated by you and not him.

This sounds like a very one-sided relationship, and the best thing is to walk away before you are hurt further. You need to get some distance and not see or contact him so you'll be able to move on to someone who does appreciate you. As long as you are consumed with thoughts of this guy, you won't be able to find someone else.

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» dynamite120 - how can I make things alright again?

In response to how can I make things alright again? posted by CherieBurbach:

Hi,

Thanks for your reponse.

Yes, he is in another relationship. Understand, that I am only looking to regain my FRIENDSHIP with him. Nothing more. I accepted his decision and made it clear to him that I did. We were friends long before his current relationship began and almost got into a relationship ourselves but he cowered out. Since my return I've been trying to get our close friendship back to how it used to be, but he seems to find it stressfull. We've dicussed this and he agrees that he's been acting horribly but has not made any effort to improve. I think he feels that I "let him down" by leaving and I think he is afraid to "let me in" again now. I think that he is trying to protect himself and the reason that he said "it wont' work" is precisely because it will "work" and that's not what he wants. He wants to be with women he can easily discard. It's not like that with us and we both know it. Anyway, I've realised that I don't want to have a "romantic" relationship with him but I do want to be a part of his life. I just don't know how to show him that my intentions are honorable...

Reading this back to myself I realise how silly I sound. We both sound like idiots. Why am I wasting my time begging someone to accept my friendship. His behaviour doesn't deserve it and he doesn't want it anyway. Yes, you're right, I need to let it go.

Thanks again for your time,

Dynamite120

-- posted by dynamite120

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» Cherie Burbach - how can I make things alright again?

In response to how can I make things alright again? posted by dynamite120:
Dynamite120,
It sounds like you've come to the right decision. Make no mistake, guys are NOT afraid to fall in love with someone. Women sometimes believe that men are afraid to let them in, and that's simply not true. When it's right, they easily fall into love with someone. Have you ever met a guy who was friends with a girl for a long time - and they might have danced around dating or even gone out a few times - but their relationship never advances - and then suddenly the guy meets a new girl and he's married very quickly? It means that the new girl he met WAS the one, and the other one wasn't.
I know you say you only want friendship for him, but it does sound like your feelings go deeper than that. You may believe that you do not want a physical relationship with him, but you might want an emotional one. And he already has that with the women he's with. The worse part is, you're investing emotions in someone that will never give them back to you! He might enjoy the attention you give him, but if he hasn't returned your emotional feelings by now he never will. It's obvious he isn't afraid to let someone in because he's with someone else. I hope you are truly able to let go of him and wish him the best, then move on to someone who deserves (and wants) your love and attention in his life. No women should have to convince a guy to hang out with her - there are just too many great ones out there for you!

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» puchilu - how can I make things alright again?

In response to how can I make things alright again? posted by dynamite120:

Hi,

I experienced a very similar situation. I was talking to a guy online who was considered married in his home town, but he had been separated from his wife the entire time I knew him which was about 3-4 yrs. He had no interest in going back to her, but he was a pastor and his religious beliefs kept us from being in a real relationship. We grew closer and feel in love in a way I have never felt before. Sadly, he had to move back to his home town trying to get a divorce that seemed dim to none. During that time, we thought it best to move on because it didn't seem like things would work out. If he was able to get the divorce, we still wouldn't have been able to be in a relationship because it's adultery in the eyes of many. Anyway, he will contact me from time to time and sometimes I would hate it when he contacts me, not because I have grown out of love, but because I was still in love. I wanted to get rid of the pain and being love sick. I felt when he contacted me, I had to relive the pain of not having the one person I loved to the core of my soul. So, perhaps that is why your friend doesn't want to meet up. For me, I dont really want a friendship with him because my love was too strong to just say let's be friends. NO, I don't want to be friends. A love like this would want to be more than friends. It is either a love relationship or none at all. And perhaps that's why he's remained his distance.

-- posted by puchilu

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» Cherie Burbach - how can I make things alright again?

In response to how can I make things alright again? posted by puchilu:

Thank you for your post. You are absolutely right. Often times it is better to actually remain distant from someone than go through the torture of this push/pull type of love. Sometimes it really is better just to move on.

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