Dating

» ck98119 - Do ex's come back?

In response to Do ex's come back? posted by CherieBurbach:

I am in a situation where I am the "someone new" and my boyfriend's ex has shown up and is trying to get him to leave me.

They broke up because their relationship was long distance and when they both graduated from college she told him that she was going to go to graduate school even farther away. He told her that he couldn't continue the relationship long distance.

We met shortly after and have had an amazing year together. He confessed to me a few weeks ago that she ended up not going to graduate school and is now living in the same city as the two of us. They had been hanging out and she is trying to convince him that they should get back together. He tells me that he's in love with me and that our year together has been the best of his life, but that he feels unfinished about their relationship and needs some time to think things through.

The advice you gave to this person seems to fit (that they broke up for a reason and that she should let him move on and pursue the new love). I don't want to tell him what to do because I feel he should come to the conclusion on his own. I also don't want to give him an ultimatum because all he has asked for is time.

Part of me thinks that if he even needs to pause and think about it, then he's not really in love with me. But, my wiser half knows that love isn't always so simple and can appreciate that he's confused. Also, when you think you could spend the rest of your life with someone, it seems like a cop out to walk away when things get rough/confusing.

Help! I don't want to lose this man. He is my perfect fit. I can't walk away from him, but I don't know how I should act/think/behave/say right now either.

-- posted by ck98119

» Cherie Burbach - Do ex's come back?

Your post struck me as very down-to-earth and mature as you look at this situation you're in. Rarely do folks have the ability to see things clearly when they're in the thick of it. That's because, as you said, love is rarely "simple." I can sympathize with your situation.

Your boyfriend has asked for time, but in essence he is also asking you to step aside while he decides what his real feelings are. Since you say this is the guy for you, I recommend giving him a generous amount of time and space so he can figure this out. If you put too much pressure on him, and he ends up choosing you, you may wonder if he would have made that same choice "on his own."

On the other hand, you are not his consolation prize. Let him know that you are giving him this time because you love him, but do tell him (in the most calm, non-threatening way possible) that if he really needs to think this over it does give you the impression that perhaps he wasn't really serious about your relationship.

When all is said and done, this situation is a gift for you. If you two had become engaged or even married, and this girl suddenly came around, she might then be a "fantasy" of sorts to him that could end up hurting your relationship even more.

Set a time limit on his "space," and agree to come back after and discuss his choice. While he is deciding what he wants, you should do the same. Don't hang out with him and talk to him while you do this so you can think clearly. The fact that he wants time to think DOES mean something about your relationship. He could mean he always "wondered" about this other girl or that he wasn't quite sure about you two. But only he knows that for sure and you have to give him the space to do it.