Dating

» sj1012 - Miserable!

I feel like I'm in limbo. A few months ago, my boyfiend of a year and half and I were hanging out on a weekend, when all of a sudden I got this feeling inside that I just didn't want to see him. It felt like that the entire weekend and I started to really think about if I wanted to be in a relationship with him. A couple weeks later, I told him we should go on a break, and a few weeks after that I just broke it off completely. We talked a bit over summer and even saw each other a couple times (each time we acted affectionate with each other, probably not a good idea). I recently found out he had sex with someone else. I am so upset by it, even though he has every right to do what he wants. We talked about it and he explained that I don't want him, and someone else did. He wants us to still be together and misses me like crazy. I'm miserable. If I don't want to be with him, why can't I just let go??? Maybe I am so sad because he was absolutely perfect. He treated me so well, always taking care of me and being there for me and I started most of our arguments. To this day I still cannot put into words why I broke up with him, I just felt like it was the right thing to do. Why do I feel so miserable!? I'm also in college, and he was my only serious boyfriend, maybe part of me feels like I need to experience some other guys. I'm so scared I will never find a guy who loved me so much like he did and who I got along with so well and comfortably and treated me well.

-- posted by sj1012

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» Cherie Burbach - Miserable!

In response to Miserable! posted by sj1012:

Well... I think you already know what I'm going to say here. You broke up with him, and every though you couldn't articulate at the time WHAT it was about him that made you want to leave, there WAS something. You thought about it, and then finally broke up with him. Unless you're a crazy drama queen (which I doubt) the reason you broke up with him is because he wasn't right for you. There was nothing wrong with him, but he wasn't the guy for you.

You already know that hanging out (and "being affectionate") with someone you broke up with is a bad idea for them AND for you. It doesn't change anything about the breakup, what it does instead is make the "getting OVER the breakup" part much longer and much more difficult. It delays the inevitable reality, which is that you ended something and needed to go through a "grief period" of sorts to move past it.

You guys continued to see each other, so you never got past the breakup. It doesn't, however, mean that you DIDN'T break up. It doesn't mean that somehow you were magically right for each other.

So...to your big question here: Why are you feeling bad because your guy found someone else?

Simple - because you DON'T have someone else yet, and even though you KNOW that guy isn't the one for you, you are feeling left out and a bit envious. You remember the good qualities about the guy only NOW and AFTER you broke up with him. It's human nature to want what we can't have sometimes.

If you felt somehow deep down that you needed to date a few more guys I would suggest you honor that decision. Don't ever go into a serious relationship with doubts just because you're scared of the new frontier of dating again. To put it simply, if the guy you're with isn't quite right: then he's wrong. For you at least.

Do both yourself and your ex a favor and take some considerable time apart. Don't try and be friends - because you two have already demonstrated that the boundaries for friendship will be crossed - and the result is that you'll both end up hurting. Don't see each other. And for heaven's sake stop "being affectionate." Move on. Let HIM move on. He needs to be with someone that wants him and you need to find someone you want to be with.

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