Dating

» furby2882 - did I make the right choice

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years. We have bought a house together. He is in the Navy and goes away a lot and I get very lonely. 3 years ago, I waited for him for 6 months and 2 days after he got home he broke up with me because he wanted to hang with his mates. We got back together and ever since every time he gets back from sea, whether its 2,3 or 4 months he doesnt want to spend quality time with me, he wants to hang with his mates. this is a huge issue for me and i have told him how i feel all the time, he always says it wont happen again but it always does. Recently he was away for 6 weeks and when he got home I split up with him. I moved home for a week and have now moved back into our house so we are living together. My reasons included the above issue, not including me in his decisions - holidays, people staying with us for months etc, no real conversations, never taking me anywhere on weekends and so on. I wait for him for months and when he's home it would be nice to go for a drive or go to a cafe on the weekends but he never wants to. Anyway, it has now been 2 weeks and he said he was going to propose to me, yet he hasnt tried once to get me back. He says he will change that he was thinking about all this stuff the weeks prior to me leaving him. He has also been hanging out with this girl and stayed the night there. He says nothing happened. I saw them both out last ngiht and the night club and she was all over him, however he wasnt all over her. Do I give him another chance and see if he can change these issues? How can I trust him after knowing he's been at her house after only one week. Im confused and dont know if i should give it one last shot. He goes away for 6 months again in 2 months time. I dont know if maybe thats why i called it off, because i was scared of what might happen when he gets home. please help. Im 25.

-- posted by furby2882

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Cherie Burbach - did I make the right choice

In response to did I make the right choice posted by furby2882:

Hi -

(I moved your message to its own thread.)

You're only 25 and you've already had the relationship ups and downs of someone middle aged. You've already given your man multiple opportunities to show he cares. He hasn't even given you the consideration to spend time with you when he's home. The fact that he was seen hanging with a girl and spent the night by her only gives you more reason to see what he's really like. He already showed you what he thought of the relationship before then.

You deserve better than someone that treats you this way. You need to move on from this relationship and not look back. Don't keep in contact, and don't try and "be friends." He was never your friend to begin with. Sell the house and move on.

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» blkstar23 - What do I do?

To start off with a little backstory. About 4 weeks before my wedding to my now husband, I found a bra on the floor of the closet w/ water balloons inside. Obviously knowing it wasn't mine, I confronted my then finance. He stated he liked to sometimes wear womens lingerie. Of course I was shocked. I mean I'm a very open person, I don't hide things, and I am also very accepting. Of course I was hurt and a little upset at the fact that he was hiding it from me, and I had to find out the way I did, and that he didn't feel he could tell me. But I accepted it and we moved forward, I love him after all. Now fast forward about 2 years. We have been married for two years, and this time, as I'm picking up laundry and getting it sorted, I come across womens shoes, and clothes as well as a wig and makeup in his closet. Of course I get upset, because the first time I found stuff, he never stated that he liked to wear anything more than lingerie. I sort of freaked out, 1 because at first he lied to me, said that it was just a one time thing, then later probably weeks later admitted he liked doing it. Obviously I was crushed again my husband was hiding things from me. I have accepted this part of him though, and I've just sort of gone witht he flow. The possiblity it of seeing him all dressed up like this has come up, and hoenstly I don't know if I could do that, I feel like it's not my thing, and I've let him wear lingerie while we've slept together, and what not, but seeing him fully as a "women" I don't think I could handle. I'm one of those girls that always wanted the manly man to take care of her, the big strong, handy guy, which my husband is, and I think that I'm petrified of how I will feel about him if I see him fully dressed. Although I can't stop obsessing about it, I constantly wonder about when he does dress, I hate leaving home because I know that's what's he's doing, or is going to do, and I worry about when we have kids what will happen then. He doesn't fully dress when I am home, and I don't know what he does when he's fully dressed, he's rather secretive, which I hate, but the more I push and ask questions the more defensive he seems to get. I keep thinking about letting him fully dress in front of me, but I'm afraid of what I will think about it. I just want my husband, I want the man I married to just be a man and not dress like a women, I just want to understand is all, but yet what he's told me about it doesn't help me any, it just seems to make me more confused. I feel like it's driven a rift between us, somedays it's a big rift, some days it's not a rift. I start to wonder if the big rift days are the days he's has dressed. It's just gotten to the point where I don't know where to go from here, does anyone have any advice?

-- posted by blkstar23

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Cherie Burbach - What do I do?

In response to What do I do? posted by blkstar23:

I sympathize with your situation and thank you for having the courage to write about it.

It seems like there are a few things going on here. Unless your husband (then, fiance) told you the very first time you saw the bra that he wasn't going to do it ever again, it's wrong to assume that behavior will stop once you got married.

If he did say it was just a one time thing, he needs to admit that this is now a problem because he's kept it from you and is getting defensive when you try and talk to him.

You have every right to wonder what he's up to when you are not around. His hiding things from you indicates a need to be secretive, and that's never good in a marriage.

There are couples that work just fine when the man likes wearing female garments. It is a natural part of their relationship with some couples. However, the fact that you found the garments and then have had an occassion to believe he's kept things from you means that the two of you are not on the same page.

You have tried your best to be understanding, but it goes deeper than that. If you haven't done so yet, you will need to have a qualified therapist talk to both of you in order to get past this. It's only when you can both deal with this honestly that things will improve.

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» blkstar23 - What do I do?

In response to What do I do? posted by CherieBurbach:

Thank you so much for your advice.

He never told me it was a one time thing. I was okay with him wearing the lingerie, I'm more leery since it's evolved into him wearing a full women's outfit.

I try and talk to him about things or ask him, and he opens up some, but he still seems to be full of surprises. I was just gone last weekend, and I have a full length mirror behind the bedroom door that I use to make sure my outfit looks okay with my shoes, etc, like any ordinary person..but the mirror was moved, and I asked him why it was moved, and his response was "I don't know" I said to him "obviously you do know, since I was gone, and you were the only one here." To this he didn't respond. I didn't ask anymore about it because I am so sick of him shutting down. I constantly feel like I try and he doesn't, and then he gets mad at me and says I don't try.

I think you are right that we need to seek some sort of counseling, because I truly believe that it's ripping us apart. I can accept all of it, but I can't and won't accept the secrets and the lying. I don't think I should have too.

Thanks. If you have any more advice, I'd love to hear it!

-- posted by blkstar23

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Cherie Burbach - What do I do?

In response to What do I do? posted by blkstar23:

I can totally understand how you're feeing, and you've done a great job of trying to talk about things with him. Like you said, the real issue here is the secrets he's keeping.

He might be trying to hide things because he's embarrassed. And while you've been there for him, if he can't even tell you the truth how can you both move forward? Now he's got you feeling like you're nagging him to talk about it because he refuses.

Hopefully a counseler will help him see how he can deal with this issue so you both deal with it. I wish you the best.

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds