Dating

» Ignius - confused

Well I was in a long distance relationship for over 3 years and it ended just about 3 months ago. I'm 29 yrs old and she's 21. I live in Illinois and she's from Toronto, about a 9 hour drive apart. She's the one that ended the relationship. I'm basically still confused on whether or not to give up on her. So I'll give a little run down of my story, sorry if turns out a bit long!

We initially met over the internet on a game we both played. Soon we were talking on the phone and decided to start dating and to meet each other. We basically would see each other for a couple weeks at a time every couple months, including one time when she came for about 5 weeks during her summer break. It got pretty serious after a while and we started to talk about living together and marriage and everything. She has cystic fibrosis so we decided it would be best for me to move Canada because of their health care which would make it much easier on us financially.

Everything started to go bad from the start of last year. I got arrested for a DUI in early february. I got all depressed thinking I wouldn't be able to go to Canada because they're real strict on that. I broke up with her with the thinking that I didn't want to hold her back and she took it real hard. We were back together in a couple days and decided to work through it. Within the next couple months I could tell she wasn't very happy with the situation. She ended up breaking up with me a couple weeks before my last court date but once again we got back together right away. My case was dismissed and I got my license back in may. So right after that I decided to go up to see her to mend the relationship some. This was my 3rd time going. When I got to the border they ended up sending me to the immigration office and they did a background check on me and I was refused entry because of some things I had on my record from a long time ago.

So now I couldn't go to Canada but she still supported me. I began to work on my application to get permission to go there. She came to see me a couple more times, the last time being at the beginning of august. It wasn't till september that I actually sent out the application. She was growing more unhappy with the whole situation during this time. She wanted me to come there for christmas. They sent me back the application in october because it was really half assed and missing stuff. She was really upset with this and complained alot over the next month till she finally broke up with me a few days before thanksgiving. Her main complaints were that she was feeling really lonely and that neither of our physical or emotional needs were being met.

I reacted very emotionless the the first couple days. Just letting it go cause it was what she wanted and I just wanted her to be happy. Then I realized how much she really meant to me and started to do everything I could to try to make her see I understood the mistakes I had made and to give me another chance but it was too late. We continued to talk till the beginning of January. It was pretty much me pouring my heart out and her listening but I was making no progress. On new years eve while we were talking she finally made a reference that she was seeing someone else. Ofcourse i had to ask questions and she told me she slept with him a few weeks before. I thought this would make me stop pursuing her but it didn't. Then in the beginning of January out of frustration I attacked her a little and she ended up telling me off more than ever before.

Since then I've been trying to let it go but I haven't been able to. My application for Canada is currently pending, it was one of the first things I completed after we broke up. I feel like I wasn't able to defend myself because of the barrier between us and that I need to prove myself. We don't even talk anymore but I keep thinking about seeing her again. After the break up I did alot of searching within myself and was finally able to admit to my problems and face them instead of running like I always did in the past. It has truly been a life changing experience and a part of me wants to show her that. I just wonder if I'm missing something? I am just being delusional thinking I could actually get her back? My mind tells me to forget it but my heart tells me to pursue it. I've been so confused I don't know what to do anymore.

-- posted by Ignius

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Cherie Burbach - confused

In response to confused posted by Ignius:

There are a lot of things going on, and the physical distance is the least of the problem.

First of all, you broke up with her when you got a DUI. Couples want to work thing out support each other, and you didn't give her that chance. Of course she was going to be unhappy. It seems like you pull her close only to push her away. The only time you finished your citizen application was after you broke up.

It isn't really true that you've "been in a relationship" for three years. Because of the distance, you haven't had a chance to spend the quality time necessary to forge a real relationship. This has been a series of push and pull events that have let you both feel unhappy. Your ex is right, neither of you was getting the emotional support you needed.

Long distance relationships, if they are going to work, need to start from a place of strength. The relationship takes more than the average amount of work to overcome the lonliness and feelings of isolation. They can work, but only if both people are absolutely committed to make it work. The long-distance situation can be weathered by a couple that has already been in a relationship, but to start one with that against you is very difficult.

If she has found someone new, be happy for her and let her go so she can finally move on with her life. I would encourage you to seek out professional counseling so you understand why you seem to push people away.

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Ignius - confused

In response to confused posted by CherieBurbach:

Thank you for the response. You've shown me a point of view that I haven't seen yet. I'm actually already in the process of getting counseling but I'm on a waiting list for another week or two. I never really looked at it that I was pushing people away. I was in a very unhealthy relationship from 18-22 during which I really closed myself away. Up until this recent break up I've never been able to really open up and share my feelings. I've dealt with a lot of depression and low self esteem issues but I was always able to hide it before. After the break up though the depression magnified to levels I couldn't control anymore and I knew the only way anyone could help me was if I opened up and talked and I haven't looked back since. Sorry if this was a little off track but it leads back to the break up.
During the whole relationship she really was the one that put in most of the effort. You were right my only real effort came when it was too late. At the same time I was never really aware of messed up I was and how wrong my actions were. I basically didn't acknowledge most of my faults and just kind of expected everything to work out. It's messed up that I had to lose someone so important to me to finally see what was wrong with me and to take the initiative to fix it. So my question is, do you think it is pointless for me to try to get her back in the future? Of course this all depends on what happens with my application. Also I want to write her a letter to thank her for setting me on the right path and to let her know about my problems. She really was the catalyst that helped me break out of my destructive cycle. I also know that she never really saw many of these issues because I hid them so well so in a way I want her know I wasn't wasting her time or trying to push her away on purpose. Do you think that's an alright idea? Should I wait a while before I do that?

-- posted by Ignius

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Cherie Burbach - advice

I'm glad I was able to help, and also happy to hear you've already made the first step to counseling. That's important because it means you're taking control of things, and that's the only real way to bring about change.

Don't look at the time you spent together as wasted. My personal opinion is that every person we date helps us better understand ourselves and makes us better people overall. (To that end, I wrote an article on that here: http://dating.suite101.com/article.cfm/t...

To answer your question, I think a letter thanking her for the time you spent together and the lessons you learned is a great idea. It will help both of you move on. I wouldn't hold out hope for getting back together with her, and wouldn't put any hints of that in the letter. Rather, focus on the things you learned from her in a positive way. Thank her for your time together and wish her the best. And mean it.

After all, you've both got good things in your future, even if it means you can't be together.

After you write the letter, then do your best to move on from your relationship and focus on therapy. Take some time by yourself until you understand the patterns you've created, and before you know it you'll feel like a different person. Then you'll be ready to date again.

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds

» Ignius - Very helpful

In response to advice posted by CherieBurbach:

Thank you once again for the great response. I completely stumbled upon this site on accident and it ended up being a great deal of help. Really does seem like everything in life happens for a reason. I'll definitely take your advice on the letter and watch what I write. I've been thinking about the letter for some time now and its a good thing I haven't written it because I probably would have wrote the wrong things. There's some other things I'd like to ask about but don't have time atm so till then thanks again!

-- posted by Ignius

Permalink Print Discussion Email Discussion How to subscribe to feeds