Dating

» luaume - Exclusive relationship, but not his girlfriend?

I've been dating a 30 year old man (I'm 27) exclusively now for 6 months. He told me on our second date that he was not ready to be anyone's boyfriend, but that he wanted to date only me, which I agreed to. I thought similarly. I mean, why would you consider someone your boyfriend after 2 dates, especially at our ages? I've never cohabitated or been married and don't want to rush into those things.

Everything seemed to be going wonderfully until a couple weeks ago, when we got into an argument because I expressed a concern about our relationship. He was the model "boyfriend" for a while, always called when he said he would, planned and paid for dates, let me meet some of his friends, and we started having a healthy sex life. But after 6 months, he still hadn't called me his girlfriend, even though he was acting like a boyfriend, and started pulling away. When I asked what the situation was and how we might get past it, he freaked out and dumped me. He claimed he couldn't be in an emotional relationship (though his actions showed otherwise), apologized for "letting his guard down" emotionally, and said he understood why I felt like I was dating someone who was "shadowboxing his past" (his words, not mine - I was willing to work through this thing!). Well, it sounded like he was very confused, and so I became confused and let him leave the relationship.

It's been a week now, and we haven't been able to go but a day or two without seeing each other. Every time we meet, he seems sorry he made the decision he did, but never comes right out and says it. I don't know what to do.

I thought addressing the problem would help solve it, not cause a break-up. Even in those times when he thought he might have upset me (a missed phone call or a miscommunication), he bent over backward to make amends. And now he just gives up? What happened here? It's like he's letting something from his past handicap a potentially wonderful relationship between two wonderful people. Was he afraid of confrontation? afraid of commitment? Ambivalent?

I'm trying desperately to understand this, because I want him back. I don't know if there even is a way to do this, aside from giving him his space, being kind when I see him, and hoping he'll return. Am I silly to want him still? I need some advice.

-- posted by luaume