Dating

» luaume - Exclusive relationship, but not his girlfriend?

I've been dating a 30 year old man (I'm 27) exclusively now for 6 months. He told me on our second date that he was not ready to be anyone's boyfriend, but that he wanted to date only me, which I agreed to. I thought similarly. I mean, why would you consider someone your boyfriend after 2 dates, especially at our ages? I've never cohabitated or been married and don't want to rush into those things.

Everything seemed to be going wonderfully until a couple weeks ago, when we got into an argument because I expressed a concern about our relationship. He was the model "boyfriend" for a while, always called when he said he would, planned and paid for dates, let me meet some of his friends, and we started having a healthy sex life. But after 6 months, he still hadn't called me his girlfriend, even though he was acting like a boyfriend, and started pulling away. When I asked what the situation was and how we might get past it, he freaked out and dumped me. He claimed he couldn't be in an emotional relationship (though his actions showed otherwise), apologized for "letting his guard down" emotionally, and said he understood why I felt like I was dating someone who was "shadowboxing his past" (his words, not mine - I was willing to work through this thing!). Well, it sounded like he was very confused, and so I became confused and let him leave the relationship.

It's been a week now, and we haven't been able to go but a day or two without seeing each other. Every time we meet, he seems sorry he made the decision he did, but never comes right out and says it. I don't know what to do.

I thought addressing the problem would help solve it, not cause a break-up. Even in those times when he thought he might have upset me (a missed phone call or a miscommunication), he bent over backward to make amends. And now he just gives up? What happened here? It's like he's letting something from his past handicap a potentially wonderful relationship between two wonderful people. Was he afraid of confrontation? afraid of commitment? Ambivalent?

I'm trying desperately to understand this, because I want him back. I don't know if there even is a way to do this, aside from giving him his space, being kind when I see him, and hoping he'll return. Am I silly to want him still? I need some advice.

-- posted by luaume

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» Cherie Burbach - Exclusive relationship, but not his girlfriend?

In response to Exclusive relationship, but not his girlfriend? posted by luaume:
Anyone who starts off a relationship by saying that they "don't want to be someone's boyfriend" is telling you who they are and what their problem is right from the get-go. This phrase was his "get out of relationship free card" when he just plain didn't want to deal with things. Keep in mind that he was willing to do everything else (sex, quality time) so this tells me he's immature and doesn't care about anyone but himself.

He's using this as an excuse because he doesn't want the bother of a "real" relationship (one that comes with not only spending time together but communicating about things that might be happening.) He IS trying to keep you at arms length, not because he's "afraid" but because he cares only about himself right now. This might be a phase, or it might be his true personality.

You are reacting to this as any woman would: you want to work it out and SHOW HIM that you will care about him unlike any other. However, this is a classic case of him playing games with you. He might not even know it, but it's obvious he's got a problem with true human relationships. Hey, even people who are just friends need to talk about things from time to time, and if they refuse, it usually means they don't care about the other person.

You said, "I thought addressing the problem would help solve it, not cause a break-up." DO NOT feel bad about bringing up this issue with him! You had to, and as the mature one in this relationship it was the only reasonable thing to do.

You mention that he wanted to leave the relationship, and yet he is still seeing you frequently. To me this is classic game playing behavior. He may not be the type of guy who is smart enough to KNOW this is what he's doing... but he is doing it nonetheless.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to show him how different you are, how caring, etc.... so that he will "overcome his fears" and commit to you. He won't. And it has nothing to do with you. You're wasting your time on this guy and the games he's playing emotionally with you are meant to make you feel you should "want him back" and "work harder".

I know it's hard when you're with someone you like and it seems like things are going well and then he just suddenly bolts. And comes back. And bolts. These types of guys keep women jumping and somewhere deep down, he's amusing himself by the fact that you keep trying. Leave him and find someone worthy of your good nature.

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