Dating

» sarah55545 - re: Help, does my ex want me back???

Hi, I have posted previously regarding this issue...but there have been some new developments between us in the last couple months.

I will tell the story again for those who don't know (sorry if this is long).

My ex and I had been dating for about 4 years, and prior to our break-up we'd had minor fights...nothing big. We were both 22 at the time. Our relationship had been pretty wonderful, some issues but nothing serious...or so I thought. I had been having pretty personal issues when he decided that he wanted to go on a 'break'. I thought this to be unfair and quickly gave him a choice...either we were together, or we were not.
So needless to say we broke it off.

Since then, we haven't really been apart. He wanted to be 'best' friends. We still had a very strong physical connection, and made a point to talk once a week or so...and see eachother at times. At first it was really difficult for myself and especially as he said he didn't know if he had made the right decision...
This was about a year and a half ago.

Anyways, I had started to try and move on when over the past 6 months we've become very close. We now speak everyday, see eachother at least 3 times a week. He spends his wkds with me, which was something that he never did after we broke up.
We were always close but I can tell something feels different.

We were hanging out one night, about a month ago and we had a few glasses of wine and he admitted to me that he still really cared for me and that he thinks he may have made a mistake in breaking up with me...but the next day we avoided the topic and pretended like it never happened.

A couple weeks ago, I had been a bit upset after a fight with my family...so the next morning when I woke up for work, he had left flowers for me saying that he hoped I had a better day...
However, in the card he made a point to write that I was such a great friend.

But in the last couple weeks we've been talking much more. We seem to go for dinner with one another very often...and a couple weeks ago he talked about us breaking up, and that he did it because he knew I was going through a really rough time and felt as though he was responsible for causing those problems...that he was holding me back. He said it was really difficult for him because it had nothing to do with his feelings for me.
Then I shot back and said to him, that if he loved me so much then he really wouldn't have broke up with me and be ok with me dating other people...

He responded by saying that he never was ok with me being with anyone else...that he just said that because he had no right to stop me. He also said that he thought htat if we were really meant to be then we get back together once things were better for me.......It was a really serious moment, and I had been hurt really bad after the breakup, so I tried to lighten the moment and joked around by saying...soooooooo, I guess you like me then huh? And he laughed and he said no way, so I told him to swear that he didn't and he just said, you know how I feel.

But he never said anything about getting back together........

Then this past Friday we were at dinner, and we were talking about my sisters engagement, and her wedding plans and out of the blue he's like, I know you like me...
And I was really thrown aback, partially because the way it was brought up was really strange, and because it came out of nowhere.
I was in no way, shape or form willing to put myself out there because I had felt so hurt about the breakup that I didn't know what to do. So I responded by saying yeah I liked you as in the past. He just smiled and kind of laughed a bit because I think he knew how I felt.......

Everyone always says just to forget about him because he wanted to end things...but we've always remained close. He even asked me to go away with him this wkd to go skiing with his friends, and even wants to plan a vacation with me.
I also went to a club this past week and he questioned me to see if I had met anyone or if I got anyones number...

He is an amazing guy, and I really care about him a lot.
Also, since we've been broken up he has never gone further than getting a girls number. He is a very honest guy,and I know some people may say "as far as i know", but hes also a very bad liar and I know for a fact that he hasn't been with anyone.
It almost feels like we are back together, but without a title...or were at the point where we both want something, but nobody is really saying anything.

Was this attempt at dinner (when he asked or said that i liked him) his way of trying to open up communications?
I'm so confused...things seem to be so different. I know you don't act this way with a 'friend'. He even calls me now just to say goodnight...he even broke plans the past coupel weekends with his friends to come and see me.

Please help...I want to be with him, but I don't know how to approach this.

-- posted by sarah55545

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» Cherie Burbach - re: Help, does my ex want me back???

In response to re: Help, does my ex want me back??? posted by sarah55545:

Hi again. I remember you from before and am so sorry you're still dealing with this situation. I know how confusing it must be for you.

And here's the thing: it's confusing for a good reason. Your guy IS keeping you around for a lot of reasons. I have no doubt that he enjoys your company. He keeps you around because he doesn't want to be alone. Just because he hasn't found someone else yet doesn't mean he won't.

I think he asked you if you liked him for the same reason he still wants to be best pals: because it makes him feel good. It builds up his ego.

Despite giving you flowers the time you were upset(where he laid it all out for you by signing it "friend") he ISN'T showing that he cares. He's basically said he doesn't want to "deal with your issues" because he's not in love with you. When you love someone, you take the whole package.

Since you've spent so much time together you're tied to him emotionally, and that's why it's so hard for you to see things clearly.

I know this is hard but the only way you're really going to see the truth about the situation is by taking a step back from it. Tell him you need "personal" time if that's easier. At least for a while. Spend time away from him so you're not in the thick of it. Then you can better decide what to do. In the meantime, don't waste anymore time on a push & pull type of situation that gains you absolutely nothing.

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» sarah55545 - re: Help, does my ex want me back???

In response to re: Help, does my ex want me back??? posted by CherieBurbach:

Hi, thank you very much for your response. I really appreciate it.

I understand your viewpoint and that you are definitely not getting all the details which doesn't make it easy to give advice if you don't know everything and both sides of the story.

I can tell you honestly that there is more to us than 'friendship'. He's very comfortable in being alone and has always valued his space and independence.
In fact, for him to keep me around and want me there is against his character.

Also, keep in mind that he is only 23 years old. I don't think meeting someone else would be an issue...he's never had trouble meeting girls and most 23 year old men, or the ones that I know at least have no problems moving on, especially in a physical manner.

I think for him not to say anything to me, and for him not to be there for me...and only call me when its convenient for him, and only want me around when he wants to and pretend to be 'together' would make sense if he was lonely or just doesn't want to be alone.

Wouldn't the fact that he is pursuing me, admitting to having feelings for me, calling me constantly and cancelling plans with his buddies to go out (and potentially meet other girls) say something?

Also, I don't think its true that you take the whole package if you love someone. You can love someone and not be able to deal with certain things...And as I said, he broke it off with me because he felt as though he was holding me back (ie. I was running away from my problems and relying on him to mask them - I was dealing with some very difficult personal issues).

To make things clear, I also gave him an ultimatum and said we either stay together or we break up and he didn't know waht to do so I broke it off.

I don't know...maybe I'm wrong here. But for someone to be fine with speaking once a week, and seeing the other periodically and making a point to go out to clubs or talk to other girls suddenly makes a change this extreme, theres got to be something going on.

Again, could be wrong and I definitely value your opinion otherwise I wouldn't post on here but I think my situation is different in this case. I also told him if we broke up I'd never get back together with him out of biterness...

-- posted by sarah55545

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» Cherie Burbach - re: Help, does my ex want me back???

In response to re: Help, does my ex want me back??? posted by sarah55545:

You broke up with him and still remained close friends. So he never had to deal with being without you, and you never had to deal with the fact that he might not be right.

Trust me, remaining friends immediately after a break up is confusing for all parties involved. It clouds your vision of the situation. I'm not saying people can't be friends after a relationship, but they need to let it happen naturally after both people have had time to move on. (More on that here: http://dating-advice.suite101.com/articl...

But you guys never moved on, so you're both in limbo.

Being in limbo means he can walk away from the "harder" parts of being in a relationship (talking about issues, dealing with things you don't love 100% about a person) and instead just have you for company, comfort, and companionship when it suits him.

No, I don't think someone that spends a lot of time with an ex is easily able to meet someone new. I think you put yourself in a holding pattern of having feelings for your ex while at the same time going over your relationship in your mind. That doesn't leave a lot of room for someone new to come along. You may think new people can't read that about you (or him) but they can.

The point is, you're doing a lot of defending of this guy when in fact he's left you confused and still not in the relationship you want. And yes, when you love someone you do take them issues and all. You might not love every single thing about them, but you don't tell them you love them BUT.... this, that, or the other thing. That's something you do when you don't really love someone and you don't exactly know why.

It doesn't matter that you had issues you were going through and that's when you broke up. You seem to think it's all your fault, and it's NEVER all one person's fault.

As far as him "hinting" about getting with you... that certainly isn't an indication that if you two hooked up it would be any different than it was before. That's what people do that hang around their recent ex who they know still has feelings for them. It's an ego builder. Besides all that, he told you in the card that he was "a friend."

The best thing you could do is simply take some time away from the relationship. Seperate yourself enough where you can look at it logically and not feel the need to immediately defend him or over analyze the situation to try and get a read on his feelings.

If you'd told me that both of you had moved on and dated other people and now you've come back a good time later and are having this situation, it would be very different. But the way it stands, my advice is to take a break from this guy. Hang out with people that have nothing to do with him. Don't be his consolation prize when he has nothing better to do on a weekend. Even a guy that values his space still likes to have someone "around" when he feels like it. Right now, you are that person.

If you can't stand the thought of taking a break, at least realize that you need to make a decision about him either way. Commit to try again or not. If you want to try again, tell him. If he balks or starts up with your "issues" again, dump him and MOVE ON. Don't be pals. Don't be his prize when he's bored. Accept that you're not going to be friends with him right now because it's too hard. You don't need the emotional turmoil. If you really want a fresh start, ask him if he feels the same way. Otherwise tell him that this push & pull situation is too difficult, and wish him the best. Then move on to a new and healthy situation.

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