This reader wonders if they are dating a player, or if the issues in their relationship are a symptom of long-distance love.
READER MAIL:
Dear Dating@Suite101.com:
I read your article on "Are You Dating A Player". A couple of the points u made, stuck out to me in my situation. I've been dating this woman for about 3,4 months now. For the 1st 2 months everything was well, than I began to feel suspicious that maybe she wasn't lieing to me, but hiding different things from me.
Her and I are currently in a Long Distance Situation, which is not the easiet of circumstances. We've had a couple of incidents that have caused conflict, she has apologized for her role in those issues, and has talked about whats going on. I guess I haven't felt the amount of assurance from our conflict resolution as much as I want. So I have kept bringing the issues up to her over and over again. She has lashed out at me a couple times about this. And has told me that I'm pushing her away. As a result we don't talk as much, and there has definitely been a shift in the relationship.
So my main question is... Is this more than likely a sign of me dating a player or maybe she is done with the conflict resolution, and I'm being negative with her on a consistent basis, since I always want to talk about whats wrong? I spoke with my father about this, and he knew the complete outline of our situation. He said it was more than likely that I was beating this topic to death with her, and its just getting old for her. That if the relationship is going to improve I need to stop arguing, and bringing up the same old situation, because she's probably feeling like everything with me is always negative and a problem. And when having a significant other, you're suppose to be the sunshine for each other, not the rain cloud! He told me to be easy going, lighten up a bit, have fun, make her smile, and be positive, and if she truly does care about me, I will notice a positive shift in the relationship.
RESPONSE:
First off, thanks for your letter. It sounds as if you are experiencing a common problem among people in long distance relationships. That is, when your time together is short, you both have a tendency to just want to be together and have a good time rather than go deeper into issues that may exist. No one likes to argue, but you do have to talk about things if the situation isn’t right.
Having said that, you don’t mention specifically what the issue was, but you do say your girlfriend has apologized for it. Let me ask you, has your girlfriend done anything since the apology to indicate that she has betrayed your trust once again? If the answer is yes, you definitely need to discuss it with her.
If, however, your girlfriend has NOT done something new to hurt your relationship, ask yourself why you are still “beating a dead horse” (as your dad says.) If you were hurt badly by whatever it is your girlfriend did, it’s natural for the healing take some time. You may want to constantly remind your girlfriend that she hurt you because you’re in pain and want more than just an apology. But the thing is, an apology is also a promise to do better. So if you get one, you aren’t allowed to continue bringing up past hurts.
If your girlfriend hasn’t done anything new to warrant these negative feelings from you, though, you still need to figure out where they are coming from. Do you trust your girlfriend? Do you feel that she doesn't want the same things from the relationship as you? The fact is every relationship has both sun and rain in it. Sometimes the rain lasts quite a while! If you two are meant to be together, you’ll both want to work on it. But you have to be on the same page as far as issues in your relationship are concerned.
