Response to a reader's blog post about her husband's emotional affair.
Just received a post from “S” - a woman who’s just found out her husband has been having an emotional affair. As you can tell by the post, it is filled with pain and mixed feelings. In the post she asks if I have any suggestions, and I wanted to address some of those here:
Dear “S”:
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately emotional affairs have become more common as men and women develop friendships and working relationships outside their marriage. And you’re right, emotional affairs are equally as hurtful as sexual affairs, sometimes more so. After all, you confronted your husband before you placed the voice recorder on your phone, and yet he still refused to admit that this relationship with his coworker had crossed the boundaries of an acceptable friendship.
It is perfectly understandable that you feel both rage and love for your husband. On one hand you have 23 years of marriage and two children together, and on the other you have reminder of his betrayal each time he goes back to work and deals with this woman. Please don’t blame yourself for this! Stop thinking that your husband did this because this woman he works with must be younger or have a better body. The truth is, infidelity of any type happens for a lot of reasons, and none of them have to do with the other woman being “better” than the wife. Perhaps your husband felt this was okay because you’d never find out, perhaps he did it to build up his ego, perhaps he really didn’t see the harm because there was no intercourse involved. Regardless of his reasons, it doesn’t make what he did okay. My suggestion is to return to therapy immediately to continue discussing your relationship. Your husband can say “it’s over” and he won’t see this woman again, but the reality is he still does see her because of work. A certified relationship counselor will help you both deal with the issue of trust, which has been broken from your relationship.
Thank you for sharing not only your personal experience, but also your advice for others who might be considering starting an emotional affair. The pain in your letter is obvious, and it serves as a reminder to all of us that emotional affairs are devastating. Relationships are special, and shouldn’t be handled carelessly. Hopefully others will learn from this experience as well.
