Neil Sedaka’s Breaking Up Is Hard to Do calls attention to the pain experienced when a relationship ends. It’s especially difficult when the decision to end it wasn’t yours. No one likes getting dumped, but you will eventually recover. In the meantime, you can prevent a great deal of drama and anguish by avoiding these mistakes.
Refusing to Let Go
1. Phone calls: If your ex has made it clear that it’s over, don’t give in to your desire to call begging for another chance. You will only drag out the time it takes to heal by continually opening the wounds. Even if the encounters begin in a polite or pleasant manner, inevitably, the issues that caused the break up will resurface. If they couldn’t be resolved before, they probably can’t be now.
2. Surprise visits: Don’t show up unexpectedly. First, you might find your ex in compromising circumstances and only cause yourself more hurt. Second, your visit may seem like an intrusion on personal space and she may react in ways that will be painful. Finally, you may end up feeling more scorned than you did initially.
3. Your ex’s stuff: Don’t use dropping off your ex’s belongings as an excuse to stop over. The same reasons discussed above apply here; also, he may see your offer to drop things off as an excuse to reconnect. And don’t destroy valuable property that he’s expecting to collect. You could invite legal problems as well as other types of retribution.
4. Romanticizing the breakup: Do not recreate a “movie scene.” You know the type: The guy stands outside the window and serenades his lost love. Or he chases her taxi across a rush-hour bridge to tell her he loves her. Those scenes were written to make us feel good. Life doesn’t work that way, and you may end up feeling like a fool.
Holding On to the Past
5. Breakup trysts: If you do talk to your ex, don’t plan to meet for breakup sex. He’s made it clear that he no longer wants to be with you, and if you still care for him, you could end up feeling used. Not a good feeling!
6. Favorite hangouts: Don’t hang out at the places you frequented together, especially if you know that your ex and/or her friends will be there. That’s just asking for an unpleasant and uncomfortable encounter. No, it’s not fair to have to restructure your life, but it may not be forever, depending on the situation. At least allow for a cooling-off time.
Getting Back at Your Ex
7. Family/friends: Do not call his parents and friends looking for sympathy. They will not join your “I hate (fill in the blank)” club. They like him. They may humor you at first, but don’t expect that to last for long. And you will look like an angry, spiteful ex-girlfriend.
8. Nix the vandalism: Never, ever vandalize your ex’s property. Do not key her car. Do not break into her home and destroy the CD of the song you danced to on your first date. Do not rip up all the flowers growing in her front yard. Don’t! For starters, it’s illegal. There a lot of other reasons, but in the end, ten years from now, you won’t want to look back and feel ashamed of such irrational behavior on your part.
9. Storytelling: Don’t tell every person you come into contact with the whole bloody story and then list all his faults and mistakes. Spreading rumors won’t bring the satisfaction hoped for. People may begin to avoid you for fear of having to listen to hours of ex-bashing. According to Deepak Chopra, holistic-health guru and author, reliving negative experiences can be harmful for your health. Instead, try to remember the good times and move on.
10. Destroying other relationships: Do not hit on/date/have sex with/marry your ex’s best friend, family member, or boss to make her jealous or to get even. Destroying her relationship with this person to make you feel better about losing the one you had with her is just plain vindictive. Nothing good can come of it. While that individual also makes a choice by choosing to respond to your advances, you are the instigator and must take responsibility for your actions.
Moving On in the Relationship
The relationship has ended, and you may be hurt, angry, and bitter. But holding on when the other party has made it clear the relationship is over will only cause you pain and embarrassment. Taking action to get back at your ex may make you feel better at the time, but it is an unproductive use of your time and energy and may have legal ramifications. The more you focus on healing and moving on, the sooner you may find a new – and better – relationship.
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