Can men and women really ever be friends? Or will a close relationship with the opposite sex be the downfall of your relationship?
There is a movement that exists in dating today that is redefining the true boundaries of infidelity. Not that cheating was ever okay on any level, but today people are more aware of limitations than ever before. It used to be that men and women were discouraged from forging friendships. As time went on, however, people began working together and close relationships followed behind. Under most circumstances, this is fine, as men and women can have perfectly platonic friendships. But there are times when the association between friends crosses the boundary of what’s acceptable.
What Is Emotional Cheating?
An emotional affair begins when one partner has an extremely close relationship with a person of the opposite sex that transforms from regular friendship to something more. Instead of just hanging around platonically, the partner begins having feelings of attraction for the other person. Generally they begin talking intimately about things they should only be discussing with their significant other. They flirt with the other person, and behave inappropriately. They may withdraw from their partner. Unlike a cyber affair they do see the other person, sometimes having lunches or dinners or even just meeting somewhere for coffee. They behave in a manner that is secretive and hurtful, keeping information from their partner and sneaking off to have private email or phone time with the other person.
Why Is It Bad?
Some may argue that since emotional affairs fall just short of physical cheating they aren’t really all that bad. But this is incorrect. Emotional affairs can hurt just as much as physical cheating and sometimes even more. When one partner replaces time, feelings, and intimacy with someone other than their partner it hurts the relationship between them and their partner. Emotional affairs involve all the lying and mistrust that physical affairs do, and their damage often takes much longer to overcome.
How Do Emotional Affairs Begin
Often emotional affairs start between coworkers. What may start out innocently enough as time working on a project may evolve into a deeper emotional relationship. The two see each other for long periods of time during the day and develop a strong rapport. If one partner is having troubles in their relationship they may confide in their coworker, and things develop from there. But there doesn’t have to be problems in a relationship in order for an emotional affair to happen. There may have been a previous relationship that one partner never quite got over and then decided to remain friends with the person, thereby setting themselves up for an eventual emotional affair down the road.
How To Spot Emotional Affairs
If your partner exhibits traditional signs of cheating such as sneaking around, behaving differently toward you, or flat out lying, this could be the beginning of an emotional affair. Generally emotional affairs involve emails that your partner doesn’t want you to see, or they may take a phone call in another room and shut the door without telling you what it was about. If your partner begins to pull away from you and seems distant, they may be engaging emotionally with someone else.
How To Handle Emotional Affairs
If you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair you need to confront them about their behavior. Point out specific activities when bringing up your concerns. Tell your partner how the relationship they have with this person affects your feelings, and ask that they end it immediately. Don’t be surprised if your partner gets defensive or denies they have done anything wrong. Often one partner may convince his or herself that by refraining from physical intimacy they have not crossed a line. By making your feelings clear, however, your partner will have no choice but to deal with your concerns. You both may need counseling in order to work out the issues between you. It is possible to be happy with your partner again, but it does take time and effort and is only possible when your partner understands the appropriate boundaries and works on repairing the trust issues they’ve caused for the relationship.
The copyright of the article The Danger of Emotional Affairs in Dating is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish The Danger of Emotional Affairs in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Can you change the background from dark grey to a lighter color? I'd love
to read this article, but I physically can't! Thanks so much!
Oct 23, 2008 3:15 PM
Guest :
I think my boyfriend is having an emotional affair because usually when he
comes home he be happy to see me but the past couple of days he,s been
moody, we are not really intimate with each other, he always act like he is
mad that he has to go to work but I can tell he is really happy to leave
and we dont even talk he dont even hold me in the bed anymore.
Oct 29, 2008 10:33 AM
Guest :
My wife is having an emotional affair with an old friend. She kept in
contact with him because he was a family friend, he was still and uncle to
the kids etc.. But their conversations were inappropriate and crossed over
the line many times i have found out. They have met without me knowing and
its probable not likely that I will trust that this won't continue. She
got extremely defensive when it all came out-screaming that she didn't do
anything- so she didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't get it. I am
supposed to be the one she goes to when she needs to talk to when she is
sad or depressed or when she's happy. i am the one that she is supposed to
share intimate flirtations with not him. I am crushed. This came out last
month (September) and I have been looking up stuff to try to figure this
out. But i probably never will. Its just sad. She should have just
married him in teh first place.
Nov 7, 2008 2:01 AM
Guest :
I just found out my husband had an emotional affair through cell phone
records, an ex-girlfriend from 20yrs ago. The death of a very close friend
got them talking again. I found 1172 text messages in one month on top of
talking at least three times a day any where from 4-8hrs. When I confronted
him of course he was EXTREMELY defensive and said they were just friends.
We have been together for 15yrs and been married 10 of those years. I am
devestated, hurt, mad, feel betrayed. He shared his emotions with someone
he had not had any contact with for 20yrs and denies it.
Nov 9, 2008 6:03 PM
Guest :
I am struggling with this right now. I have resurfaced feelings for an old
best friend. I can tell he has feelings too and it's confusing. We're both
married and he wants to get together as couples. I know I have to distance
myself from him and it's hard. I don't know what to say, and I know I will
miss him. My first priority is my family but the feelings he creates in me
are addictive and feel so good.
Nov 11, 2008 12:51 AM
Guest :
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, we have 3 kids, and I
thought up til now, we were as happy as peas ad carrots. Together, we built
a successful business with over 40 employees. I have always been well loved
by my whole staff. We knew and liked a woman who fell on hard times.
We both wanted to help her out (we've been financially blessed to do so).
We retained her privately to continue with music lessons for the kids. We
more than over payed her as it was our intent to get her on her feet. He is
a generous man, I am a generous woman, but this short term help was turning
into welfare. I told him that she was too emotionally needy, and not
seeking employment as was the intended plan. I was uncomfortable with it.
Rather than respecting my opinion, he hired her on as an employee of our
company. She has no car so he arranged for our staff to pick her up, and
drop her off at the bus stop. She was evicted, so he helped her get into
another place. Here's the real kicker~ he co signed a lease making US
financially responsible. I was not told about it. I was told he was just a
character reference. My staff was wondering who the h*** this gal was, and
why was she able to work special hours instead of the posted schedule, why
was the boss taking her under his wing? When questioned by me and our
management team, he became defensive, unapologetic, and stated that he was
merely helping out a sad, wounded person. We were all accused of being
cold, heartless and unfeeling. I read his emails to a colleague. He stated
that she was his "life coach", she "inspired" him, she
was "positive and cheery and would do great things for our
company". It looked to everyone like he was having SOME kind of
relationship with her, and in a management meeting was when I learned about
the lease agreement that was done behind my back. I had her fired, yet he
kept her on the payroll for another 5 weeks, in secret. He just got an
email from her asking for more $. Notice that she has not at all come to me
for any $. I asked him to stop taking her calls. When she last called him,
he said that he couldn't talk because I said to stop taking the calls.
There was no initiative on his own part to refuse the calls HIMSELF! She
has done quite a job in skirting around me to get to him. Con artist?
Marriage wrecker? Both? We are in separate rooms for now. I am ready
to ask him to move out though. What are the ramifications? Am I just making
it easier for them? Can this be salvaged
Nov 29, 2008 7:47 AM
Guest :
I just discovered my wife has been calling and texting another guy for 2
years (at least). On 11/15, I noticed a text flashing on her phone (is this
how it always happens?, I had been away on business) The text was sexually
explicit, she had sent him nude photos, I am devastated. Married, 2 young
boys, house, business , etc.. She had been unfaithful in the past, before
we were married, but I got past it and trusted her completely. When
confronted she lied, then said it was a coworker, admitted phone sex. I
dont think I can forgive her, calls to her "friend" averaged 40
per month every other day, one day there was 10 calls. Honestly, 40 calls a
month. What type of person would do this to someone else? I cant even tell
my best friend or family. I have been up pacing for until 3 am for 2 weeks
while she sleeps like a baby. I am a mess. please comment - Her phone now
has a cleared log every day.
Dec 2, 2008 9:39 PM
Guest :
can someone have multiple affairs at once? is it possible that someone is
just very open or accepting of other people? i am doing my best to
understand my gf's behavior, she has a handful of inappropriate
relationships, none of which are sexual or have malicious intent, but do
cause problems with our intimacy and exclusiveness.
if i can
understand her nature towards friends and that to her they are innocent but
she just enjoys people, would we still continue to have problems, with
boundaries being crossed. this is difficult for me b/c i know she acts
innocent enough but i want a relationship that is very intimate, are we
just looking for different things or is this behavior she needs to work on
so she can experience more mature and healthy relationships that might
last?
Dec 4, 2008 10:51 AM
Guest :
it is difficult, but my friend and i are trying to end our emotional
affair. we did not realize it was an emotional affair at all until we began
to have feelings for each other quite recently. only one of us is married
and we know the right thing is to end it, especially since the spouse has
asked us to do so. however, it is the hardest thing i tried to do because
the connection is so strong now.
Dec 6, 2008 8:29 PM
Guest :
Can pregnancy hormonal changes that affect brain chemicals which in turn
affect behavior and mood trigger an emotional affair? and if this is true,
can the emotional affair develop and last after the pregnancy is over or
will the woman later realize it was all false and was mainly due to those
hormonal changes? I will appreciate your comments! Thank you very much!
Dec 17, 2008 8:37 AM
Guest :
Hi, I have a friend that I have known for over 5yrs, and recently we
became sexually involved He made his marriage sound like it was so bad. and
I was dealing with some things in my life and it happened.I know I crossed
the line but now I feel traped emotionally but I also Know that physically
it was not what he expected. So he is now wanting out. My feeling are so
hurt I just want to end it's but for some reason it's not that easy for me.
I shared my body with him and I feel so rejected by someone that I thought
was carrying for me from the heart. Don't spare your advice because I know
I was wrong
Dec 28, 2008 6:06 PM
Guest :
My wife has been playing with this fire for years. She never completely
extinguishing the flame on an old boyfriend. It blew up on her in the last
couple months and now she is pretty entangled emotionally. Hopefully she's
not too far gone, but I don't know. Some ghosts are better left in the
past.
Feb 2, 2009 10:51 AM
Guest :
I am having an emotional affair with my coworker. He is married, I am not.
I noticed our strong chemistry from the beginning. I've tried to stay
away, but we both can't. We share every little detail of our lives... it's
getting to the point that I am truly starting to fall in love and I think
he is too. I don't consider myself a "homewrecker" and I can't
let this go any further than this. When two people start an emotional
affair, it's not always seedy and dirty. Usually, it's just two people
with a lot of chemistry and a lot in common.
Mar 12, 2009 5:20 PM
pininfarina575 :
my ex fits everything described regarding emotional affair. On top of that
with time, they developed certain levels of physical affairs that I am
aware of. She never admitted. And the one she had that emotional affair
with and still is continuing was one of my best friend who I put much trust
in. I've been betrayed and backstabbed by both of them. It hurt me so much,
and it still hurts the same way and the same amount although it has been 2
months since she broke up with me and continues to have that relationship
with my backstabbing betrayer friend, who by the way previously swore to me
he would not act on his feelings.
After all this happened, she
visited my school and attempted to justify her actions. I still acted
courteously and played cool. But at the end of the day she kissed me, when
I was trying to not give her a chance to. I later asked why the hell she
did that. And she asked "why, does that bother you?" and then
went on to say "because it's not like I don't have that feeling for
you anymore"
She says she cares about me after all this,
but she continues to take actions and make choices that obviously hurts me.
I wish she would either stop claiming she cares about me or stop carrying
on with that backstabber.
May 12, 2009 12:52 PM
Guest :
I wanted to address those who are having emotional affairs. I was in one
myself. It felt very good to feel wanted, appreciated, understood... but
know that it will end badly. You've got a choice: End your
"official" relationship or fix it. I was married, the other woman
was single. Even though I was the one with the commitment, she tried to
stop it while I couldn't let it go. She was a mutual friend of my wife and
mine. Our connection felt so good by comparisson to my marriage that I
decided to leave my wife. If I were to date the other woman in the future,
I felt that being honest about the emotional affair when I left would be
the decent thing to do. That way my wife wouldn't find out about it when I
started dating the other woman. The problem is I didn't end up leaving. It
wasn't until my things were packed and I was ready to go that I finally had
second thoughts. Only then did I realized that I didn't make an effort to
save my marriage. The excitement I was feeling about starting a new life
started to feel more like a sleezy idea.
I stayed with my wife
and we got counseling. Needless to say, I can no longer be friends with the
other woman. I've always been a "good guy" and this was the first
time I had done something crappy to anyone. So I was forgiven by all who
know me and the friend is the one who was looked down on. I felt terrible
about how things turned out for her. I felt worse about throwing her under
the bus than betraying my wife. At least my wife and I had the chance to
work on things. I'd never have a chance to make things right with the
friend. She was an amazing selfless person and would have been a great
friend but now she can't be in my life at all.
If you feel like
I did, its probably easier right now for you to imagine being without your
significant other than being without the "good friend". For their
sake, imagine the worst case scenario: You will end up hurting their
reputation at best or you will lose your friendship at worst. Know this;
the worst case scenario is the most likely one. Right now your judgment is
compromised by dopamine, the brain's love chemical. Even if you think you
will leave your significant other you should end the affair for now to keep
your options open.
I had to repair my marriage while dealing
with the loss of a close friend. It wasn't like growing apart. It ended
suddenly so it was more like dealing with a death. It's easily the hardest
thing I've had to endure and I had to mourn alone.
May 18, 2009 9:21 AM
Guest :
I want to agree with everything posted by the guy who wanted to address
everyone with having an emotional affair. Its one of the most painful
feelings, and in my experience, a co-worker i am linked to, i have had an
emotional affair for nearly 3 years, I am married and i am so caught up in
love for this other person. I have since found out that this other person
who is single is having another emotional affair with another MARRIED
WOMAN. I feel like my hearts been ripped out, because i wanted him to
fight for me, show me the support i needed to start a new life with him.
Very unrealistic. He seems easier to let go that i do, obviously valuing
his feelings over my own and that of my husband I am now suffering in
silence for peserving what dignity i have left. I have now allot of anger
inside how he can steer me to an affair with him and now hang me out to
dry, and this other woman i know of through digging out information,
checking work phone bills, seeing emails. Iknow its turning in to one,
which she is steering because she knows of me and is willing to speak to
him sometimes 100's of emails, phone calls to wake him up of a morning,
calls before sleep. I would say i am a very good person and have never
done anything like this before but im now deep in allot of pain and lies
and i utterly regret acting wrongly from the beginning, it may feel
exciting and special but it wont last because its not real. If you have
feelings for someone else, do it all properly, dont be scared to take the
chance and jump, fight for what you want the right and honourable way,
leave your partner before acting on feelings, NEVER think it will just be
fun, hearts will get broken.
May 20, 2009 7:21 AM
Guest :
I accidentally had an emotional affair with a friend-- but he was the
cheater; I was single. It started--for me, at least--with chatting. We
are both in college, in the same club, and all the members are extremely
close, and chat with each other all the time. At the time, I just looked
forward to the chats as a diversion from studying, but soon I came to look
forward to them as a connection with the guy--I even changed my sleeping
schedule, which I guess should've been a sign for me. And then it became
meals when both of us had late night munchies while studying. I hadn't
realized it was developing into an emotional affair until he asked us what
we were. He claims he felt confused much earlier, although I think part of
his confusion stems from the fact that his relationship with his long-term
girlfriend has always been long-distance, and as the days counted down to
when he could see her again, he was feeling an increasing emotional void.
I'm emotionally dense, and don't like to face uncomfortable facts, so even
when we were having late night meals together, and doing things that raised
a spectre of discomfort for me (nothing intimate, just spending time
together), I ignored them and thought "He couldn't possibly have such
feelings for me; he has a girlfriend." For a while after the
"what are we" conversation, I was confused, and perhaps a little
vengeful. I didn't even know what to define what we had, which was causing
me even more pain. For causing me emotional turmoil and putting me in such
an awkward spot, I wanted to make him hurt too, so we kissed. Even now, I
don't think he's ready to break off the emotional relationship, although he
himself doesn't realize it, or define it as such. Heck, I might not be. I
was the one who initiated two "let's stop all contact for a bit and
take a break from each other" and both times when he chatted me less
than a day after the cease-and-desist, I responded. I've been trying-- I
steer the conversations back to innocuous topics, I tell him to go study
instead of talking to me, I go to bed when I need it, rather than sleeping
when he ends the conversation, made it clear that I never want to pursue a
relationship with him. I never thought I'd be an "other woman,"
I certainly don't want to be a relationship wrecker, and I am SO ready to
be OVER it. Why can't we just BE FRIENDS, and why couldn't he leave well
enough alone?
Sep 28, 2009 9:02 AM
Guest :
I just leaned that my boyfriend of seven months had an xbox / myspace
affair with another woman. They exchanged flirtatious comments on their
myspace pages, complimenting each other on their photos, engaged in phone
sex, etc. (He never complimented me on my posted photos once). When I
confronted him as to why these comments were up on his and hers myspace
pages when he was in a committed relationship with me, he told me they were
just xbox friends, and nothing more, and the comments were made as a joke.
When I asked him to delete her, he became enraged and refused to remove her
profile/picture, saying that she meant nothing to him and he had not
communicated with her in two years. (Yet she meant enough for him to not
delete her out of respect for my feelings). I confronted her and learned
that she felt they were in love and had communicated via xbox just a few
weeks ago. She still had a blog up on her myspace page that went on about
how she loved and missed him, even though she has a boyfriend of her own
(So she is cheating on her boyfriend too). He did not feel that it was an
affair since she lived in another state and they had never met in person.
The whole thing just sickens me and has left me wondering what else he has
lied to me about.
Oct 13, 2009 6:13 PM
Guest :
guest from May 12th, I can't believe.You poor baby, I am soo sorry for your
loss. What about your wife??? What about what she went through?Your
girlfriend was a selfless person? She was supposed to be your wife's
friend.If that doesn't tell you what kind of person she is you are fooling
yourself big time.And it doesn't sound very remorseful that you feel worse
about throwing the girlfriend under the bus than betraying your wife? That
is a problem.I don't understand why people work so hard to build a family
and someone can wink at them and they are willing to throw it all away? For
what? Because they made you feel special? How selfish. Please. People like
that just want what you already have and don't want to have to work for it
or they have already destroyed their own and think it's always greener on
the other side.I don't understand why these people don't get mad that that
other person is going to destroy everything they have worked hard for. Why
did you not look at this person and question they fact that she was willing
to disrepect your wife and your marriage and not only did you allow her to
but also joined in.You didn't leave because you knew deep down it wasn't
going to work and didn't want to end up by yourself.
Oct 17, 2009 11:56 PM
Guest :
From my personal experience, I conclude that a "platonic
friendship" with any woman is very dangerous. There have been several
instances where I have had such a friendship, and very nearly my life,
ended by an angry husband or boyfriend despite the fact that I had a steady
girlfriend of my own at the time (the female friend was usually at least
acquainted with my girlfriend). I make it a rule to never be alone with
any woman other than a steady girlfriend. The other danger is that of a
platonic relationship crossing the line into a romantic or sexual
relationship. Once that happens, there is no turning back.
Oct 24, 2009 9:28 AM
Guest :
My husband of twenty odd years has a new BFF. They have gone on trips
together and shared bank account info (we have a joint account) and have
even bought each other matching Clatter Ring (that cost in the neighborhood
of 900.00). and yet he could not get a matching cell phone with me thought
it looked to cute. she has intruded into every aspect of our lives. even
going so far as to call my son who is in the army her baby when he came
home for a visit. I am ready to walk out, every time I bring up that this
is way out of line he tells me I am over reacting and forcing him to give
up a true friend, who has taught him what love and friendship is all about.
Does any one have any advise for me? I feel alone and lonely...
