It is a common belief that the human being is designed for love. From infancy people seek the nourishment they long for. Not just nourishment for the body, but nourishment for the soul. If people don’t receive what they are seeking naturally and without asking, then they start negotiating ways to get it. This negotiating often leads to behaviors that can be hurtful to the very happiness they are seeking. These behaviors can reveal themselves as games of
- Control
- Pleasing
- Manipulation
- Rebellion
The Law of Attraction
The law of attraction states that whatever energy a person is projecting is the energy that person will attract. So using unhealthy behaviors to attract love will attract that kind of energy. For example, controlling behavior will attract controlling behavior in response. Pleasing in an unhealthy way will create dependency.
The Bad Date as a Learning Opportunity
There comes a moment when it is evident that thing are just not going well. It is the moment when it becomes apparent that the person involved is just not the one that you were looking for. Books on dating suggest that you write down the characteristics that gave you the clue that the person was not your mate. It is an interesting exercise to ask what in your own behavior could have attracted that person to you.
Investigating Behaviors
People pleasing can be motivated from a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. If you observe in yourself a tendency to need to please, pause for a moment before embarking on the next people-pleasing activity and ask if this activity is actually what is called for. Is it what you really wish to do? In the movie Runaway Bride, the character played by Julia Roberts is constantly adapting to what her boyfriend wants from her. She is so disconnected from herself that she doesn’t even know how she prefers her eggs to be prepared. The egg scene is symbolic of a person cut off from her sense of self. Her only authentic outlet is her unusual art. It is a courageous step she takes when she decides to stop the behavior and take the time she needs to find out who she really is.
How Love Works
Steven Carter in his book This is How Love Works [M. Evans and Company, Inc., 2002] describes how people often wear masks. Masks hide a person from seeing the self. There is a wise saying that when you see that you are what you seek, you’ll stop the seeking. Looking outside of the self will not in the end lead to happiness. It is often very frightening to look to oneself as the source of healthy behavior or unhealthy behavior. And it is has been proven by all the masters that everyone you meet is a mirror.
Healthy Behaviors
The road to healthy behavior begins with self-awareness. Often self-awareness comes at that moment of “giving up” – that moment of having decided to stop all the behaviors and take stock of life.
What Love Is Not
For many, learning what love is begins with learning what love is not. By examining the not-so-great dates, it is possible to make note of the kinds of behaviors you don’t want to attract. It is important to realize that it is possible to stop old patterns, take stock of what is occurring and with tenderness and compassion for yourself, choose a different path.
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