Romance as a Child of Divorce
Relationships Difficult for Those Whose Faith in Love is Shaken
Your parents' divorce was years ago, so it no longer affects you… right? Think again. The impact of parents' divorce can continue to affect your dating habits, patterns and choices for as long as your fears about love and relationships go unrecognized.
Destabilized by Divorce
Divorce has a profoundly destabilizing effect on children's lives. They may have to move back and forth between two households, attend a new school, live with new stepparents or stepsiblings and, most challenging of all, be forced to accept that their parents no longer love each other.
Unless a great deal of effort is made by both parents to protect their children, they may also be privy to information about finances and the divorce itself, or they may inappropriately become the confidant of one or both parents.
All of these transitions can have an impact on children's development and their attitudes about women, men and relationships.
Marriage Is… Not Forever?
People grow up believing, at heart, that marriage lasts forever. Most people will never have to learn that their parents' marriage is anything except an invincible pillar in an uncertain world. But for children of divorce, that pillar becomes a divided home and two separate people – and the institution of marriage becomes vulnerable.
Without that unconditional belief in marriage, children of divorce may have trouble feeling safe to express their own feelings or committing themselves fully to any connection with another person – be it love, friendship, or a work relationship.
Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns
In their book Adult Children of Divorce, psychologists Thayer and Zimmerman explore many of the troubled relationship patterns evidenced by children of divorced homes. These include:
- fear of commitment
- fear of opening up and revealing your true self
- expectation that all relationships fail
- distrusting the opposite sex (or one's own gender)
- distrusting your own judgment about partners, relationships, and other choices
- built-in time limits on relationships, places, or jobs
- clinging to other people for support or sense of self
- poor judgment about sex or emotional intimacy (promiscuity or emotional "spewing")
- sabotaging your own success to retain control
- taking care of others
- avoiding anyone else who might want to take care of you – or care for you
- a sense that you might be "damaged goods"
Even children of divorce whose parents separated when they were already adults may feel some of these effects on their love life.
Adult Children of Divorce
Although less research has been done concerning those whose parents divorce after children reach their majority, experts suggest that the impact is likely to be just as severe.
Adult children are more likely to be used as confidants or as a support system by parents during the difficult period during and following the divorce, complicating their healing process and exposing them to even more stress over their parents' issues than younger children would experience.
Zimmerman and Thayer claim that children of divorced parents are six times as likely to become divorced themselves than those whose parents remain married. Any child of divorce can only benefit from examining their own relationship habits and considering therapy or expert advice to better their chances of finding happiness in love and dating.
Reference
Fintushel, Noelle and Nancy Hillard, A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years, Little Brown and Co., 1991.
Zimmerman, Jeffrey and Elizabeth Thayer, Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents' Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust and Intimacy, New Harbinger, 2003.
