If you never see someone in person, are you still being unfaithful?
The Internet has opened up a world of opportunities for us all. With a simple click of the mouse, people can get instant gratification, whether they are doing research, shopping for merchandise, or looking for a news item. Unfortunately, the Internet has also made it easier for partners to seek out attention and comfort from others on the web.
Before the Internet, unfaithfulness consisted of phone calls and late night rendezvous’. Now, partners can simply log and find someone to flirt with or pour their heart out to. Sometimes these “cyber affairs” remain restricted to online activity. At other times, they can lead to physical cheating.
Here are some characteristics of cyber affairs and why they are so hurtful to relationships.
Definition
Online cheating, or a cyber affair as it’s commonly called, happens when two people who have never met in real life take part in online communication that crosses the line of appropriate behavior.
Generally flirting of any type is a bad idea and can eventually hurt the bond you share with someone else. Divulging private information about your partner or your relationship crosses the line of what’s appropriate. In general, anything that you would normally be discussing with your partner (sex, feelings, worries, etc.) should never be brought up in email, message boards, or chat rooms with someone else.
Cyber Affairs Hurt Relationships
Online cheating is very similar to emotional affairs. Even if you don’t physically act on feelings you may have for someone else, continuing to engage in flirting or sharing of feelings or emotions via the Internet takes intimacy away from your current relationship.
Cyber Affairs vs. Porn
Online cheating is different than viewing or downloading porn. Make no mistake, neither is a good thing in a relationship. Porn is hurtful because it takes a piece of intimacy from a relationship and replaces it with an unrealistic object or photo. With Porn, the "affair" is one-sided. Cyber affairs, on the other hand, take moments of intimacy that should exist in a marriage or partnership, and replace them with a real (albeit unknown) individual. The person on the other end of a cyber affair responds to real feelings from your partner and even encourages them. Your mate and their cyber partner develop a form of intimacy on their own.
Characteristics
How do you know if your partner is engaged in a cyber affair? Some of the same indications that your spouse is having a traditional affair also exist for cyber affairs. Additionally, your mate might be distracted and unable to focus on you or your relationship. Instead of talking or hanging out with you, for example, he or she will begin spending large amounts of time on the computer. They’ll log on at odd times, perhaps late at night or early in the morning so you can’t see what they are doing. They’ll shut the door or otherwise try and hide their screen if you walk into the room. They may go in early or stay late at work for the purpose of chatting with their cyber mate.
Solutions
Talk about your concerns with your partner. If you have evidence that they have been engaging in a cyber affair, confront them with it. Ask your partner why they felt their cyber affair was proper behavior. Your partner may say they didn’t realized what they were doing was wrong. But make it clear that in order for your relationship to work, affairs of any type are unacceptable. Just because they haven’t done anything physically doesn’t mean they still haven’t been hurting you and your relationship. If you need to, seek counseling to further help you sort out your issues so you can move on.
Prevention
Sometimes cyber affairs begin when one partner simply wants to share a frustration or feeling they think is being unheard in their current relationship. Communicate your expectations for the relationship and what’s accepted behavior, so both of you know where the boundaries are. Affairs can exist in any relationship, but to help avoid falling into the pitfall of a cyber affair, engage in activities that strengthen your relationship. Be kind to each other, and treat your partnership as a thing of great value. It is.
The copyright of the article Cyber Affairs in Dating is owned by Cherie Burbach. Permission to republish Cyber Affairs in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
divorced...wife fell into many cyber affairs and is still doing it
today..left a house and 3 kids behind
Sep 21, 2008 3:36 AM
Guest :
Daryl I never wanted to hurt her. She means the world to me and I
only made one comment with out continued communication. I now believe it
was unappropriate to do this. I will never do this again because my love
for my partner is real and my comment didnt have any desire of furtherance
with the cyber girl. I now can only hope that it has not ruined what I have
valued for seven years now....
Sep 22, 2008 11:18 AM
Guest :
isn't this the shit always the guys that cheat thats all i find never
articles about the women cheating are they all done by females
Sep 22, 2008 12:06 PM
Cherie Burbach :
Both guys and girls cheat.
Sep 26, 2008 2:06 PM
Guest :
it is so hard to admit when you are being selfish when for so long all you
do is serve others. It feels good to be selfish but in the process, it
destroys your whole life.
Sep 30, 2008 12:49 PM
Guest :
I am a woman and I pretty much had a cyber affair. I've been married for 9
years and dated my hubby for 7 yrs before that. I am happily married, he is
wonderful to me, cherishes me, spoils me, yet why would I do this to him?
We have 2 young kids. I met this guy from Egypt and we both had webcams as
well. I thought he was cute. He told me he was lonely, and it went from
there. Flirting, sharing secrets, and eventually showing our bodies to each
other while we masturbated. It was fun, but wrong, and I felt such extreme
guilt. He even called me and we had some phone sex. Then my husband found
out. He came in and saw something that he said to me that upset my husband
emotionally. From then on, we sat and had a long talk and opened up and
shared everything. I promised to never talk to him again and we have been
working on our marriage and I've been working hard to be a faithful wife. I
never in a million years thought I would ever do anything like that. My
hubby told me I was beautiful and showered me with love and compliments, so
it wasn't like I was a lonely desparate housewife. I don't know why it
happened, so I warn you, PLEASE be careful out there and DO NOT get
anything flirtatious started if you're married or in a relationship,
because you could lose something so precious! I'm glad my hubby is man
enough to talk to me and sort this out instead of hit me and throw me out!
Realize what you have and work on it every day. Talk naughty to each other
and share fantasies and intimate secrets with each other, not some stranger
on the net! We are fine now and more in love now than ever! Please don't
make the same mistake I did, you might not come out of it for the better.
Oct 2, 2008 11:31 AM
Guest :
I just found out that my wife is having a cybet affair.i am devestated.
Oct 14, 2008 5:23 PM
Guest :
My wife has had 2 cyber affairs. I've confronted her on both and she's even
commited herself to this man in Nigeria, marriage proposal, she said yes to
him. I told her to stop, but she says nothing is going on, but I know
better. I have the paper proof from her pc. Now what do I do? I'm thinking
divorce this time.
Nov 17, 2008 2:13 AM
Guest :
I was 7 months pregnant when i found out my partner had been conducting
.... a LOT of online affairs, not just one, but one woman he actually went
to meet. I was hurt, devastated and totally humiliated. I have never
cheated on him and believed he would never cheat on me , as he had been
through these experiences himself. Now i just feel so gullible and
stupid. I have gone from trusting him and loving him totally and
completely, to feeling like he has crushed my heart, and am in a world now
where if he is online right beside me, or if he goes out to see friends,
where i believed him before, i now do not, and that makes me terribly
unhappy. I am trying to forgive him and build up the trust again but it is
very hard. Normally i would have dumped him straight away. The worst
feeling is when i read some messages sent to a girl only three minutes
after i left the house to go to babysit for my sister. I sent my partner a
text on that night and he didn't bother to reply, but the messages i read
to this girl were long and detailed and it made me angry that he did not
put the same effort into replying to me. I know that sounds odd, but hey,
nothing makes sense any more. Another thing is, he never does anything
romantic with me, but one of the girls told me he called her 'his little
sex kitten' and sent her one of those online gifts...a rose... how silly
does it sound that i found this so hurtful as well? I hope i can stop
eventually thinking why did he do it and what is it i do not do for him as
a partner that he feels he has to seek elsewhere. I know it is not my
fault. But it is so, so hard to get past this and some days i don't feel
like i ever will. But i do know that a life without him would be more
painful than anything i am feeling now so i have to carry on trying. Thanks for listening x Nicki
Jan 13, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest :
I had been marreid for 11 years and had the most wonderful marriage. One
day my husband recieved an email via Friends reunited from an old
girlfiend. I told him to reply and i initially thought it was cute.
Little did i know that was the start of a 1 year cyber affair with two
meetings. I only found out when my computer crashed and retrieved all mail
sent taht day. I was devastated. As a soldiers wife, always waiting and
supporting and fearing, i was crushed. found a floppy disc full of
imtimate emails and tried to commit suicide. They emailed up to twice a
day and texted each other at all hours, whilst i beleived it was work. The
intimacy of the emails made me shudder. She was sexy, gorgeous, lovely and
more important than me (all written and shown him as evidence) He says it
was just banter and he got caught up in the secrecy. it was a game and
when they met it was to just catch up. The fact that he travelled 80 miles
to see her tells me differently. He says i am being paraniod and i should
get over it. I am making more of it than it is, etc. I can't cope
anymore, and although this happened 3 years ago i am now bitter and twisted
and i check his emails and phone constantly. I am making myself ill.
Please anyone out there, is there an answer, will i feel better one day,
can i trust him again?
Jan 14, 2009 5:50 AM
Cherie Burbach :
Don't let a cyber affair cause you unnecessary hurt. If someone has had a
cyber affair and hurt you, get some distance and seek out someone that can
help. Don't try to do it alone! Seek out counseling and get help. Either
couples therapy or individual therapy. YOUR happiness is the most
important thing.
Jan 29, 2009 8:38 AM
Guest :
To the lady who's hubby had an affair with an old flame on
FriendsUnited. I know how you feel. My husband did something similar
except it was a woman from his workplace. This happened in nearly 5 yrs ago
but I still dont trust him. The good thing about it is that Ive moved on
emotionally. We still are together, four kids between us and we still have
our problems. He realised his mistake and wanted me back so I
stayed....mainly because I was faced with something I couldnt cope with at
the time. Anyway, I found that when trust left, so did love. The love that
should be there between a husband and wife, was now gone and what was left
was more of a friendly type of love. He knows it, he has to live with
it. I dont know if you will ever be able to trust your husband
completely again. Thats up to you to decide. But I DO know it gets easier
:) dont go and harm yourself over a man!! its not worth it. Go and find
what makes YOU happy, explore it, embrace it and make it yours. Something
you always wanted to do, but never thought you had what it took to
accomplish. Re-invent yourself and you will find how attractive you really
are. Then others will too and that is a boost that every woman needs. Life
is too short to waste it on bitterness and paranoia. Go and find your
smile :) I did!
Jan 30, 2009 7:28 AM
Guest :
Filed for divorce. My wife just had a cyber affair and now she is in love
with this young guy. Always on the computer, texting,sending naked photos
of each other, etc. Totally betrayed and the trust can never be brought
back. I recommend a key logger program if you suspect something. Watch out!
It may be to much information for you to handle. A cyber affair is
harder to deal with than a sexual, one night stand.
Feb 3, 2009 2:16 PM
Guest :
I had my first marriage destroyed by my husband having affairs via the
internet and it looks like my second husband is doing the same thing!!!! Is
there any man out there that can just be satisfied with a loving wife and
family??????
Feb 13, 2009 11:50 PM
Guest :
I was married 14 years with 2 kids i caught my ex-wife 2 times cheating
onlne and taking her clothes off for men. I caught using a program called
spectorsoft and after catching her a second time i went and had a physical
affair which was wrong as i was so hurt. I never cheated on her for our
entire marriage and to this day she blames me for the marriage breakdown
due to a physical relationship i had after i caught her the second time, i
know what i did was not right however she said hers was not physical so its
not the same however i believe it is. I hope for anyone reading this that
cyber affair is just the same hurtful actions as physical.
Feb 18, 2009 11:27 AM
Guest :
If there wasn't a hole in the marriage, your partner wouldn't be trying to
fill it. Between 2 consenting adults, it isn't much different than an open
marriage etc. Honesty to partner and to cyber partner is a must. Anytime
lies enter a relationship, you complicate and destroy the ground work for
trust and respect, but than again with honesty to self. Partners that are
responsible to one another are not seeking to cyber.
Don't
judge less yeah be judged. Rather than working on pointing the finger at
why your spouse would cyber, why not look at yourself to see what is
lacking in a relationship that seeks gratification outside of a
relationship.
Apr 25, 2009 6:52 PM
Guest :
I don't know if you consider this "cyber cheating" but I have
recently found out that my boyfriend had asked his ex-girlfriend, whom he
has not seen in years, naked pictures of herself via the wonderful
internet. She lives 5 states away from us. I was completely devestated by
this. He cut all ties with her after he told me (yes, he came clean) but I
still feel betrayed. He told me that they had exchanged dirty pictures a
few times before he had met me. I feel that the trust is gone now, and
trust is a hard thing to get back. How should I feel about this? Should I
try to trust him again or just leave? How do I know that he won't try to
contact her again, you know?
Apr 30, 2009 10:49 AM
Guest :
After 26 years together,and three kidds, my wife anounced to me last week
that she was leaveing us. She too was engaging in a cyber affair through a
made up avatar, in wich she came to belive that this fantisie world was
some how real. When she walked out the door, is when she finaly confesed
that it had progressed to live chat and web cams. I and my kidds never saw
this comeing, yes for the past year she all but abanded us doing nothing
for the family. But we thought this was a bad phase that it would pass, or
that she would eventualy get tired of it.I will miss her more than she will
ever comprehend. I just hope that her desisions were are all worth it in
the long run. because by her liveing out her dream to be happy we are left
to live in sorrow
May 16, 2009 6:55 PM
oatmeal321 :
I'm so frustrated. I've been looking for a business partner for years and
finally found a terrific gentleman that will help me move to the next
level. He has all the talents and business expertise.. he compliments
where I lack. In fact he's so perfect I struggle from "falling"
for him. He lives in another state so I'm grateful for that. I am deeply
in love with my husband we are very close. I don't know why I can't
separate feelings of being grateful about another man without mixing it
with infatuation. I don't want to destroy what I've been working for ..
for years in my business. Want to be a "team" with my partner
but respect our bounderies. I'm the one that is strugggling. As I have
read. Women invest more in a relationsip than men (in some cases). Men can
compartmentalize. It helps for me to think of it like that. Therefore, I
don't need him to "understand". He really doesn't care to
understand .. he's just doing his business. I need to think like a man.
Compartmentalize. My passion to my husband. My work to my partner. Both
can be wonderful and good. Both can be very satifying and fullfulling.
When I get "infactuated" I become "needy" .. it's
never enough. This is so destructive. Time to toughen up and pursue my
mission .. my partner has all the talents to make this possible. I'm going
to stay out of his way (emotionally) and learn to stick with
professionalism. Invest my time in loving my husband.. should keep me busy
enough.
May 27, 2009 7:53 PM
Guest :
I recently discovered that my man has been on tagged site. I discovered
April of 2008. I went ahead logged on a different username to find out his
own profile. Sure enough I found it. On tagged he has friends that sent him
some lovely to kinky messages with pictures of kisses, lips, nude body of a
lady,etc., does this constitute cyber affair? There is one of his female
friend a member of tagg that has her picture on her profile and when I
checked her profile, he commented on her picture as "Your are truly
beautiful, I really hope we can meet sometime soon" OMG when I saw
that my heart was throbbing like hell...
Jul 9, 2009 7:44 AM
Guest :
my husband had an online affair with a girl he met through a social
networking site, i have no idea that he could actually do that, i'm fully
aware that he has an account on that site but what i didn't know is that he
made a second one which he use to find other women. i already had an
intuition that he's cheating but i can't find any evidence since he was
working abroad. i was able to get a visitor's visa to visit my husband and
that's when i found out that my intuition is correct. i caught with the
help of his own computer, i was able to open his other account and there i
found messages sent to the girl. i showed it to him and the nerve! he
denied it saying that the account was not his and that his cousin is the
one who owns the account, he was so guilty that he can't think straight
anymore, everything that's coming out of his mouth doesn't make sense... he
admitted it eventually and promised not to do it again, his parents even
advised him to stop pretending to be single, i forgave him but i don't
trust him anymore. A year passed and it happen again, this time it's a girl
he met at an online psp game... good thing is caught it early, now my
respect for him and trust is totally gone, i decided to leave him but he
won't let me, we still live together but i treat him like a house mate and
not a husband. i told him to cook his own meal, wash his own clothes etc. i
just take it one day at a time. if he can't change his wrong doings then i
will leave him in a heartbeat!
Jul 29, 2009 10:25 AM
Guest :
Just found out my boyfriend of two years has been cyber cheating. When I
confronted him he lyed and when I gave him the proof he turned it around on
me. He is now mad at me and thinking of leaving me. He blamed him cybering
on me, I'm not free enough in the bedroom is what he says. So I asked him
"instead of talking to me and telling me what you want and need in the
bedroom, you thought cheating on me and cybering to find what you want is
better?" He wouldn't answer and got madder at me. So I asked him to
try cybering with me so then I will know what he wants and maybe be part of
a fantasy for him, but he refuses to to cyber with me. I don't understand
and am very hurt. Asked him if he would stop and he said probaly not. Don't
know what to do.
Oct 8, 2009 11:05 AM
Guest :
My husband and I are seperated but trying to work things out. He got in
contact with an old friend and now she is trying to move in on him. I
confronted him and her but she won't stop and I think he might be lying to
me. Should I give up and let her have him or should I fight for him?
Oct 10, 2009 8:13 PM
Guest :
I am a 22 year old female. I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a
guy my age, and I have become his military wife. I have caught him going on
singles websites, telling girls they are beautiful, etc. While he was
deployed, he was going on webcam with girls, even called girls. I even
found a second email account he had that had only girls on it. After I
caught him, told him to stop and he did... until I caught him doing it
again just recently. To my knowledge, he has never met any of these girls,
nor do I witness any sort of weird behaviour... he just hides shit on the
internet and lies to me about it. IT IS WRONG and I know that, so does he.
Is this cheating? Do I leave him since its happened again? A leopard never
changes its spots right? Please help! I am so new to relationships.
Oct 11, 2009 11:03 PM
Guest :
21 years married are fading away. Started with some problems that festered
and grew.We became apart emotionally,mentally,physically. I went for help
she turned to chat lines then ph. calls.He told her to leave, she did. I
quit the heavy drinking,the drugs the tvporn ,swearing. I joined a church
found The Lord,praise be to God. We talked, she liked what I had done. I
asked her to drop him, she agreed. We went for conselling. I thought things
were going good. What compelled me to read her ph. bill at her place God
knows. She never left him. My heart is torn, I have no more tears, mine
eyes burn dry. I have been played a fool I feel. I can sense him smiling
like a puppeteer. My faith in God will save me. She hungup on me today. I
love my wife and I miss her. Please pray for us. I will forgive my enemy
for he could not know how much hurt he has caused. I wish this on no one.
God Bless with Love.
Oct 14, 2009 3:09 AM
Guest :
I have been married for thirteen years to my wife, we have 5 kids. For the
last year she has been having an online affair with a guy much younger than
her from another country. She has told me that she loves him and not me
anymore. The crazy thing thing is she has never seen a photo of him nor has
she spoken to him in real life only chats on MSN. He has told her he does
not love her and that there is no future for them anyway. Yet she continues
to love love him or her "fantasy", she refuses to stop chatting
to him because they are just friends, although she admits that she loves
him. This "fantasy" is tearing my family apart, I have been
patient for the last year in the hope that this is just a phase but to no
avail, it just continues.I have spoken to this other and explained the
situation to him, he refuses to acknowledge that such a thing can happen
over the internet between people who have never met, seen or spoken to each
other. My wife has suggested that she comes on holiday to him, he has told
her in no uncertain terms that this will not happen. I am at a point now
where I am going to kick her out of the family home with only her clothes
and a one way air ticket to this guys country and town.
The
thing with my wife is that she chats to him while I am in the house even
though she knows it hurts me a lot. She says she knows it hurts me but will
not stop talking to the other.
She is continuously lying about
what has happened between them, even though I have told her I have all
their chats and emails for a period of two months, I used a keylogger that
emailed everything to my office pc. These chats are now in the possession
of my lawyer and I will be obtaining an eviction order against her in the
coming weeks, the air ticket is booked. She can go chase her
"fantasy" or rainbow without hurting her family anymore. After 13
months of living with this, trying to talk to her, lying in bed at night
hearing her keyboard clicking away while she chats to him I have had
enough, she refuses to see any wrong in her actions or receive help or
councilling. She is now going to lose everything over a "fantasy"
because the law in my country frowns on infidelity, she will be losing her
kids, house, me everything except her personal effects.
In
conclusion I think people grossly underestimate the affects of cyber
affairs on all parties and the family unit.
